I am most angry because I am powerless to change any of it. I desperately want to take these people and shake them into awareness.

Do they not see that they encourage the continuation of the lies, the delusions, by not ensuring that such statements are true?

Do they not see that they have the power to tear apart your arguments, to call you on each of your accusations, to require you to prove yourself?

No, they remain mute, and because I have stepped outside of the terrible power of your narcissism, because I have removed myself from the falsehoods that you pretend to endure as if  a heavy cross and crown of thorns, because I have determined that even if I were to enter the fray, it would do nothing to change your course, I must remain silent.

I cannot demand that you explain yourself.
I cannot require you to show evidence.
I cannot force you to tell the truth.

And so, I have to somehow find a way to turn my attention away from the wreckage of your delusions, hopeful that they will hurt no one else.

You will never know how much you have hurt me.

You will never admit how fully you have destroyed this. Us.

Perhaps, someday, I will find a way to finally beat the demon in my mind, to silence you, to truly believe that I am stronger than you are.

But today, I merely want to weep for all that has been destroyed, I want to allow myself the space to mourn for what will never be. I need to be released from the shackles in which you keep me trapped.

Someday, I’ll find that I hold the key, that I can release myself from the anguish. Someday, when I can forgive myself for walking away. When I can convince myself that I really did do everything I could. When I allow myself to admit that I that this wasn’t sudden.

Then, maybe, I’ll be free of you and your delusions.


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